First of all I want to give a big "THANK YOU!!!" to everyone that left kind words and wishes in my guestbook. I really need it right now, especially after last night.

I went back and forth about how I was going to write about this--or even if I wanted to share it, but I figured what the heck, if I freak you out or you don't like it, just clicky click that lil' old X up there on the right. Okay? Fine.

I had a panic attack last night. I've never had one before and the only reason that I knew what was wrong is because my Mom used to have them. It really sucked and scared the hell out of both me and Hubby. I was hyperventilating (sp?), gagging and my pulse was racing. I thought it lasted for about 1/2 an hour, but Hubby said that it was really about 10 minutes. Horrible 10 minutes though, you do not want to have this happen to you, trust me.

I knew something was wrong as I had been feeling all anxious all night. Like I was running around flapping my hands by the wrists in the air in my head or something. It's very hard for me to explain. Just...on edge and tense.

So this morning after not sleeping all night (running and flapping in my head, you know) I called my boss and told her what had happened and that I was going to the doctor and probably wouldn't be in today. I am under strict orders to call her and let her know what happened, and I'll do that later tonight when it slows down at work.

I think I scared the medical receptionist. You'll have to let me know if it would have freaked you out, okay? Basically I came in and she told me that they were full for the walk-in clinic today and that I had to go somewhere else or come back at 1:30. We live 45 minutes away first of all, and it had taken all my effort to drive my sorry tired ass in to town in the first place. I started crying and told her that I had a panic attack, I didn't know what was wrong with me and that I almost went to the ER last night. Here I am, bawling standing in front of her station. Loudly, I might add. With big black circles under my eyes and my long hair sticking up all over the place. In my pajamas.

Miraculously, there was an opening. She got me in with another doctor within the next 15 minutes we were talking to him. I swear, it was a miracle. I didn't even read a whole page in my book in the waiting room.

The doc talked with me and Hubby for about 1/2 an hour. It made me realize that yes, there have been lots of big stressors in the past year for me. My office losing the biggest account and I thought I was going to lose my job, September 11th, BIL being involved in the action, Hubby starting school which changed our whole financial situation, Hubby quitting his job, and the loss of a family friend. No wonder I've been feeling tired lately.

He thinks that I'm suffering from depression. Of course I feel guilty about this, I'm healthy but my body isn't responding the way that I know it should to situations. WTF happened last night really made me realize that I need help. Medicated help, that is. I'm not suicidal, and I'm not sad. I'm just tired and I feel frustrated with myself because I'm tired all the time.

So now I have a perscription for Wellbutrin. I'm hoping that it works, because I can't continue to hold down a job and accomplish anything else if I continue on like I have been.

The doc also thinks that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. So yes, some of that So. Cal sun would be welcome around here. I'm debating going tanning (a sin as far as I'm concerned as it's so hard on your skin) because it's so dreary here in the wintertime.

Sigh. So that's my story. I'm just not sure how I feel about all this yet, but I know that being depressed isn't my fault. It comes from your receptors in your brain not working with their neurotransmitters correctly. At least I have the background in BioPsychology to understand that what's up isn't my fault, it's just the way that my brain works.

But I still feel badly about it.

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