Divorce - (2004-04-25, 1:35 p.m.)


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Well then. I guess I'm getting a divorce. He doesn't want to work it out, he doesn't think that he can get over the fact that I met someone else.

He keeps telling me that I'm a liar, but he's been lying too. About little things, about big things, it doesn't matter. I have been gracious enough not to bring it up because as far as I'm concerned, it's in the past. Nothing can be done to change lies.

He is unwilling to give us another chance. He said that he has been hurt enough and doesn't want to continue.

I wish that he could understand that things are different now.

But then again, I can't put up with any more emotional abuse either. Being ignored all the time, being manipulated, being kept on a string until I'm about to lose my mind.

It seems as though he has fit his version of the past to suit his needs, even though I know that recollections aren't 100%, I'm not stupid either, and he must think that I am.

I am trying to "De-Todd" the house, that's no easy feat.

I feel that he's talked himself into a hole, that he feels that he would lose face if he didn't divorce me and he's just terrified to take a chance and really be happy. Because he could be. He says that he wouldn't trade the first four years of our marriage for anything, but he's fallen out of love with me. I guess I just can't believe that, otherwise he wouldn't have gotten teary eyed last night.

Then again, maybe I'm just a stupid fool.

I almost feel like he's just busy having a pity party for himself, he's built this big wall up around himself and won't let anyone in. I know that it probably cost him a job at a local company...I have my sources. They were *not* impressed with him at all.

Anyhow. If you're the type that prays, please pray for God to give me the strength to get through all this. If not, please keep me in your thoughts.

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