No updates in a few days. Stressed out, I guess.

I'm resigning myself to surgery at this point. Not happy about it, but I want to be able to DO THINGS again and not ache so badly after I'm done.

I work a 1/2 day today, so that means that tonight is not going to be a picnic.

I'm just very unhappy right now, and I feel badly because I take it out on Dave sometimes without meaning to. He deserves better than that. I know that it puts him on edge, too.

We were talking last night about having kids and stuff, and he told me that he and one of his ex-fiance's quit using birth control and that "if it happened, it happened."

That was very hard for me to hear, and of course we were talking when we were in bed, prior to going to sleep.

Why am I always comparing myself to her? He refers to her as "a mistake that I made" but yet she was good enough for him to ask her to marry her, and to not use birth control because they wanted kids.

I just think I have this thing because I was told for so long that I was stupid, fat and ugly. I still look in the mirror and think "fat" even though I'm 5'8" and 160 - about 10 lbs overweight.

Then, of course feeling like a defective person who's arms and hands don't work for shit anymore certainly makes me feel completely not good enough.

It's hard too, that so many people ask me "are you engaged yet? What's WRONG with you guys??" Nothing's wrong with us, but we have been together for 1 1/2 years. Yeah, we're 30 and 31. Yes, we live in proverbial sin. It's just getting to the point where it's rude to ask. Trust me, we'll get there.

I just feel all mixed up/inside out about everything lately. And I hate it.

last - next

Missed These?

Hospital Stay for Dad
S-L-O-W-E-R
Long time, no write
Soul Sucker
What the F*(&^ is Fibromyalgia?