Forgiving Me - (2004-03-21, 2:42 p.m.)


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I'm trying to work on forgiving myself. Our relationship didn't get bad just because I was neglectful, he was too.

It's just hard though, thinking back through all the fun things that we've done together, the impromptu trips when we lived in Washington DC, the motorcycle riding that we did last summer together, holidays together, and just snuggling on the couch and watching movies together. Taking the dogs to the lake last summer. It just hurts really badly, you know?

He said that he was going to think about it this weekend. I don't know that this was a good idea as he's going to have been to focused on paintball to do any real thinking about the situation. Hubby has always avoided things by keeping busy, and I'm sure that's what he's been doing up to this tournament and this weekend as well.

I think that it was unfair of me to try to pressure him for a decision. I know that he has to make one, but setting a deadline of when he comes home from this weekend...that wasn't fair to either of us. He's the one that set the deadline though, although now I wish that I had tried to talk him out of it. Thursday was a bad day for me.

So now I just pray for him to find inner peace, to help him make the right decision. It's out of my hands and I have to accept that.

We both ignored each other to much and this is what happened. If I could take back the last 6 months, I sure would. But that's not a choice I have. I love him so much, but it's not my choice to make, whether he goes to counseling with me or divorces me.

It's not a question of staying or going at this point, I know that we both need some time apart from each other and to learn to trust each other again, but I think counseling is the answer for both of us. Both individually and marriage counseling together.

Meanwhile, I just have to keep my sanity together and forgive myself. What's done is done.

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