Please? - (2004-03-17, 5:25 p.m.)


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Hubby just got home from work and we did talk. He's finally ready to start talking I think.

He's going out with a friend for St. Patrick's day, and staying overnight there so he doesn't have to drive home at night. Things in that town get a little crazy, and even though it's only about 45 minutes away the highway patrol is heavy duty on that road. So it's just safer to stay there. Actually, I'm thankful that he is, although I wish that he would just come home in the first place.

I did take the advice, and asked him if I could have a hug. He just shook his head and said no in a sad way. Then he started talking a little bit:

He thinks that things between us were not so good even before all this happened. He's right, but that doesn't mean that they can't be fixed. We both stand a lot to lose if he decides not to stay. He will lose the family that he never had, his dogs, his house, all that. He would be losing me too.

"Regardless of what happens with us, I'm taking that position in Beulah." Which I understand, it's an internship and very important to finding a good job when he's done with school. It counts as experience, which would for sure give him a leg up when he's job hunting.

I just hope and pray that he gives "us" a chance to fix what went wrong. Divorce is a quick fix. It might not seem like it at the time, but I think it's the easier way out. Not that any of this is easy. What takes strength is to stay and try to work it out, which is what I really really want to do. I think that it would make less of our relationship and marriage if we didn't at least try. Five years is a long time to flush down the toilet, and even he has to admit that there was more good than bad in those years. Somewhere, we just lost track of each other and what made each other happy. We could learn again, we used to get along so wonderfully. I know that people change, but I don't think that our relationship is not salvagable.

Hubby, if you're reading this, and I think that you might be although I don't know for sure, I love you. I'm so sorry. For everything, the public stuff and the private stuff as well. I wish that I could take it all back. Please know that I'm trying to be a better person and have been taking steps in that direction to become a better person and a better wife to you, if you will give me that chance. And I'm not talking about for a few months or a few years, I mean permanently.

Somewhere I just got lost along the way. If you give me the chance I know that we could work this all out and we could be happier than we were even when we first got married - all googly eyed all over each other. I miss you so much! I have for a long time.

Please, give us a chance, let's go to counseling to at least try to fix this.

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