My couselor told me that I need to try to make a list of things that I'm thankful for every morning.

I just don't feel that I have a lot to be thankful for because the one thing I really want I can't have. Right now anyway. Maybe never again. And that hurts more than I can put into words.

Hubby has started to look for apartments. He hasn't gone to see any yet, but I guess his plan is to do so this afternoon. That just tears my heart out, but I know that he needs his space.

He's been cordial to me, is working on doing the laundry for both of us, and I think he came in and checked on me last night before he went to bed. Either that or I turned the light out in my sleep...?

I tell him "I love you" and he's not getting angry at me for that. So I think that's a plus. He still doesn't like it when I cry, so I've been trying to hide that from him as much as I can.

I don't know what else I can do to earn his trust back. I've made efforts to let him know where I'm at when I'm not at home - for example the job interview this morning.

I just know that it's going to take him time to trust me again, but I'm going to do everything that I can to try to earn it and work through this. The only problem for me is that he's not ready to yet, if he ever will be.

I know that he visited with a divorce lawyer, he told me that. He hasn't filed any papers yet, so hopefully he won't.

My Mom I guess has been talking to him, and that's good. I know that my parents love him very much, just like a son that they never had. He made a comment last night about "I'm looking at giving up the family that I never had, my dogs, my whole life!" I just hope that they and I mean enough to him to stay.

I pray somewhere deep down inside him he still loves me and that it will be enough to at least try to go to marriage counseling with me. I want to try to work this out so badly.

Denise sent me a link that was very helpful in fighting divorce. I found some things that supported that most people are able to get through an affair and that their marriages are stronger when they have gotten over that hurdle. I guess that made me feel a lot better, because some of the things that these people did were a lot worse than what I have done. I only met J a couple of times, and there was no sex involved at all. Some of the people that were able to work through this had gotten pregnant by the other person, or had been carrying on the affair for a long time - months, in fact.

I just hope that I will be given another chance, but it's hard to know that it may take time for him to decide what he wants to do. As far as I'm concerned, he can take as long as he wants, just as long as he comes back to me and is willing to try.

Pray for me, please. I feel so lost.

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