Good grief.

I feel like I'm back at square one. The stress of everything is finally getting to me.

I was up and "uncomfortable" as in on the edge of a panic attack last night until 1 AM. I went to bed at 10:30 and just laid there, and then it got bad enough where I finally got a book and read, just like my Mom told me to do.

I practiced breathing excercises like in the books that she's loaned me and I just couldn't settle down. When hubby got home at 2:30 AM or so I woke up again and the cycle started all over.

This morning after a horrible night's sleep I am still just uncomfortable again. Like I feel as though there's panic coming in around the edges. Like I'm trying to dam up water but it keeps leaking through anyhow.

I'm trying to stay cool. Keeping on reading, trying to relax, do things that keep my mind busy. Perhaps try to work on some designs this afternoon if I feel better as that helps keep me occupied.

I made an appointment with a psychiatrist for his next available time. I can't keep this crap up. My weight has gone through the ceiling, my job stress is unbelievable (which it would be for anyone, but still...) and I hate how it's affecting my life like this.

I hate knowing that the meds that I take every day, if I miss even one day I feel like a crackhead going through withdrawl. I hate knowing that my brain doesn't work the way that it's supposed to, and most of all I hate knowing that these feelings aren't something that I can try to explain to anyone because I can't describe them.

All that I can do is say that it's awful and unless you've been there, I can't explain it.

*sigh*

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