Moved Out - (2004-04-12, 6:27 p.m.)


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Argh, diaryland ate my entry. Crap.

No update yesterday due to all this snow that we have had in NM. We had about 6 inches of the light fluffy Christmasy type snow, rather than the small stinging kind that you get in MN. I really love it down here, even if the elevation was hard for me to get used to. It makes you tired! Sometimes it still makes me tired, but it's more reasonable now than when I first got here. Compared to where we live at 980 feet, we're here at almost 7,000 feet, so it's quite a difference!

We went out to eat last night to celebrate Easter and Dad's birthday. My Dad is 57 as of Saturday. My Mom will be 57 before the end of the month. Wow.

What else has been going on? Ummm...

Hubby has moved out and is living in a one bedroom apartment in South M******* above a garage where his boss lives. I guess it's for the best, as he says that he needs the space, and even though I'm not there, and have been gone for some time this year, he needs space on his own terms?

He had his first counseling appointment today but is going to have to find another counselor because he would only be able to get "couples/marriage counseling" from the one that I see. Which I should have thought about...he says that he is not ready for marriage counseling.

Regardless, he talked with her for an hour, and I guess it went well. He's going to make an appointment with NDSU's counseling service hopefully and be able to get some individual help that way. He says that he's not ready for couple's counseling. I hope that he is someday soon. He said that he wants to try to work it out eventually, but I'm going to have to let him contact me. I just hope that he doesn't wait to long.

See, the thing is, my love for him has changed. Right now, it's not like it used to be. I tried to explain this to him, but I'm just not sure that I had the right words for it. My love for him used to be "what can you do for me" and now it's "what can I do to make you happy, what can I do to give you peace, what can I do for you to make your life easier, what can I do to make you happy?" which was what it used to be. I don't know how I got away from that, but somehow I did. Depression makes people very selfish. I had been very selfish.

My Mom paid me a huge compliment today too. She told me "I don't feel as though I have to walk on eggshells around you anymore, you seem to be more at peace than you have been for a long time. You seem to have eliminated a lot of the emotional outbursts that you used to have."

What a compliment! Now if I can just wait for Hubby to give me a chance to see all this, I think that he would be pleasantly surprised. But he's not ready yet.

In fact, he asked me not to contact him, he is going to contact me. Which at least I know that he will.

Apparently he has completely moved out, he is staying at his apartment for the first time tonight. I am trying to make arrangments to get the dogs to stay with K, and Hubby refuses to see him after that awful email. I gave K hell about it today when I talked to him and he feels really bad that he stuck his nose in where it didn't belong. But what's done is done...

I sincerely hope that Hubby and I are able to work everything out, that he is able to forgive me for being such a selfish bitch and for cheating, even though he won't ever be able to forget it. I know that I won't ever be able to. But there is a huge difference between forgiving and forgetting.

In other news, I am wearing jeans that I haven't been wearing in well over a year, size 14. I think I have lost somewhere in the neighborhood of 20-30 lbs, although I have no scale. I am guessing, because I was at about 170 when I was fitting into the jeans, and I topped out at about 200. So yes, this feels great. Hubby was right, I didn't need the medication, I needed a therapist. I wish that I had listened to him a long time ago, however he couldn't fix me, I had to fix myself. My whole body feels differently, and I seem to have a lot more energy than I used to. So that's a good thing.

That's about it. Must go have supper and call K soon, then call Hubby and let him know what's going on...

God, I miss him so much.

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