Why I thought what I did - (2004-04-04, 11:21 a.m.)


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I want to write about something that has been bothering me for the past few days. I've been having the "circular thought" process about it,and am hoping that if I get it out of my system that it might improve this problem for me.

Why did I think that Hubby had a girlfriend? Besides the fact that his attitude changed a lot last fall, that his schedule became more erratic than it used to be? What about "I'm going to get all my studying done at school from now on" and things like that? Spending more time away from home than ever before, and when he was home we rarely were in the same room. He distanced himself from me more than he ever had before and I reacted by being more angry at him.

Then there's the matter of what I found in his cell phone. I was looking for someone's number that I didn't have, and in there, in the address book was a listing for "Sexy Hot Chick" whoever that is.

I found this, and then I realized that the stereotypical writer's term of "feeling a knife twist in your heart" can be an actual physical feeling. I thought that it couldn't happen to me. I tried every way that I could to explain this away, and I just couldn't.

When I got back from Houston and we were going to try - when he was enthusiastic about trying anyhow, things were going well. Much better.

That phone screamed to me - look and see if he deleted my number! I didn't want to look because I wanted to trust him...but of course I couldn't help but look. Sexy Hot Chick was still there.

It was after this that I actually met Jon and saw him the whole three times that I did. Jon has since been eliminated from the equation. Has been for quite a few weeks. Would have een anyhow as I felt to awful and guilty about the whole thing.

I had no reason to not believe that he wasn't cheating on me. None. Our sex life had dwindled down to nothing, he didn't seem interested and I had forgotten how to show him that I missed it. Scared of rejection and knowing FOR SURE that he was being unfaithful? Probably.

This whole time I had been having nightmares that he and one of his co-workers were getting it on. I still have them. I had one the other night that was so real that I woke up crying.

I still feel that knife twist in my heart every day. Was he? He says no, and I believe him now, but ...

I still hope that he is able to move past the angry stage of all this. I have, thanks to a wonderful counselor. I get such mixed signals from him, and now finding that he's still going to move out makes it all the worse.

If he's able to get past the angry stage and realize that things are different now, for both of us, I hope that he is able to give US a chance. We quit communicating with each other and I think that is the reason why our relationship disintigrated to the point that it has. I tell myself that I would have asked him, but never had the chance. That's not true, I was scared to know the truth.

I am not trying to justify my actions, because that's not possible. I'm trying to get this out of my head, that if I just would have been able to talk to him that this whole disaster could have been avoided, and I wouldn't have risked losing the most important person in my life.

I hope that he goes to counseling. He really needs it in order to move on with life, either with me or without me. He is just stuck repeating the past over and over in his head. That's very clear from the conversations that we have had.

I just wish that I could explain to him that I'm changing, and I'm trying very hard every day. Where before I would have deliberately said something hurtful to him to let him know that I wasn't happy with something that he had said or done, I would ask him "why?" Is an alcoholic still an alcoholic even if they aren't drinking? Of course. But the alcoholic that isn't drinking has made big changes in their life. They work on it every day.

That's me. Working on it every day. Hoping that somehow, I will get another chance. I gave him one, when we were in New Orleans he did some things that were horribly hurtful to me. I gave him a chance. Our relationship was much better after some counseling. I hope that he is able to give me the same consideration.

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