More than anything - (2004-03-17, 10:16 a.m.)


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My thanks for today:

-waking up next to a snuggly kitty who loves me

-my dogs who no matter how upset I am still make me smile

-Denise, Terry, Kerry, Nicole and other friends who are trying to lend me support and an ear. Especially Claire.

-My parents

-Medication again, which is very important

-positive outlooks on the job search

-the internet, where I have gotten some good information on how to recover from infidelity for both me and Hubby

-my therapy

Things are...okay today I guess. I had a very good talk with Terry this morning and he helped me feel a bit better about what's all going on and gone on. He's great to get the male perspective from, and he's an old friend. He's working, so he was going to have to call me back later.

I sent an email apologizing to Hubby's parents last night. I just bawled as I did it, and Hubby walked in on me crying. I felt awful that he had to see me crying as generally I try to do it in private (over at the house, in the shower, when he's not home etc.).

He told me "Don't cry Kat" and then told me about something silly that he did with the Harley to try to make me smile.

Somehow I think deep down he still loves me, but whether or not he will be able to stay with me I don't know. I've been actively trying to tell him that I love him - and show him that I mean it - as well as taking baby steps to regain his trust.

He's done little things for me that show me that he still cares and doesn't completely hate me, like even though I offered to do the laundry for both of us he washed clothes anyhow, other small things like that.

Someone told me that I should just walk up to him and give him a great big hug and let him know again that I'm sorry and that I'm still in love with him and want to try to make everything work. I'm scared to try because of rejection, and I don't know that I could handle any more emotionally.

I wish that I could take back the last two weeks of my life more than anything.

last - next

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