Moving back? - (2004-03-15, 11:20 a.m.)


Current | Archives | Profile
Random | My Space | Map
Email | Guestbook | Notes
host | Image | Design

Visits:

Hi,

Since I have been having my URL spread around to Hubby's friends, I'm going to lock everything. That's what the last entry was about. I'm not the only one to blame for our marriage being a mess, but what I did was far worse than what he had done.

I met another guy. I kissed him. I stayed overnight at his house - but DID NOT sleep with him. I know that Hubby doesn't believe me, but it's the truth. It was so nice to hear that I was beautiful, intelligent and to have someone that wants to devote individual time to me that I just got carried away. I've been ignored for so long...and lied to in the past.

What happened? Hubby found my email address that I had set up and broke into it using spyware. He read everything. All of my correspondence with J. Some of which wasn't very flattering considering that Hubby and I have been having problems for a while.

But now I need to move forward. We have split the bills up and I am going into town today to open my own checking account. I don't have the foggiest idea how I'm going to pay for everything and still have something to eat besides saltines and soup, but I'll have to manage somehow. Shit, I have been forcing myself to eat in the first place, and now my new "bigger" jeans don't even fit me anymore. I can pull them down over my waist and hips without having to unzip or unsnap them.

Hubby is going to move out, perhaps permanently. He told me that if it was up to him, we would have had a divorce already. He's not sure that he wants to reconcile, but I sure hope that he does someday. I broke his trust so badly that I don't know that I can ever repair it, or if he will be able to get over it.

I did speak to my Mom this morning, and she said no matter what, I'll always be their daughter and they love me, even if they haven't approved of my decisions.

I fucked up, and now I stand to lose the person that my life has been centered around for the past five years. I did everything that I could to make him happy over the last 6 months, but it didn't work. I can't believe that I was so stupid.

I have an appointment at a counseling service through my church this afternoon. I'm probably going to make the counselor run out of the room screaming because she's so disgusted with me and all my mess...no medication, no job, lying, all that stuff.

I did it to myself, now I have to live with it. I still can't believe that I was so stupid.

last - next

Missed These?

Hospital Stay for Dad
S-L-O-W-E-R
Long time, no write
Soul Sucker
What the F*(&^ is Fibromyalgia?